Jealousy

Dear Moms,
Upon the request of my daughter, who just ushered in a new baby into her family, joining a two year old sibling, I’ve chosen the topic of jealousy. What a great topic. Jealousy is real at any age, especially to a toddler who is welcoming a new brother or sister. I for one, just like all of you moms out there tried very, very hard to make all the children feel equal love and equal acceptance, I have to admit, even with the best of efforts, some jealousy is going to occur. In fact, I believe it is a natural and yes needed stage of development, that you would rather they voice , and yes act out , immediately after the new baby arrives, rather than suppress and show later on. The jealousy is going to come out in some form, it is not a question of if, but rather a question of when and a question of how. It is as normal as temper-tantrums for two year olds and rebellion for teens.
What causes jealousy to occur? Most toddlers feel that they are the center of the universe, the whole universe. And in their two year old mind the whole universe is their home, their mommy and their daddy. When the new baby joins the family, with all their God- given cuteness and yes total dependence on mom as well, it turns our little toddlers world upside down. As much as mom and dad try to live their lives business as usual, it is anything but usual. Babies change everything, your time, is no longer your own for one , especially if you are nursing your newborn. You, mom are recovering from a birth, which is no small thing even if your labor was short like mine. You, mom are also adjusting to being a full time caregiver to this new life, while at the same time balancing your old life. You have added a lot of extra responsibility, yet subtracted no extra responsibility. To add to the mix, you are surviving on little or even no sleep. If your babies are like my newborns, there is a lot of crying going on at your house. It’s not all newborn tears either, if you are a normal mom, you’ve shed a tear or two too. Add a temper- tantrum toddler to the mix and let’s face it, some days, you are just over the top. So what is a mother to do?
Some things in motherhood have easy answers, some do not. Jealousy is not any easy problem to overcome, it takes a lot of patience and a lot of time. The main concept that you have to get across to the siblings ,no matter what their age, is that mommy and daddy have enough love to go around to them all. The other concept that you have to get across is that the new baby can never replace them. How do you do that you might ask? I can tell you some things I did to ease in their adjustment.
1. I made a conscience effort to make them a part of the babies life as soon as possible. I actually can home from the hospital an hour after giving birth because my husband is a physician. The new sibling was introduced immediately.
2. The baby came bearing gifts for the siblings.
3. I let all the children hold the baby immediately and upon request.
4. When the children were in the room I gave them attention and not the baby.
5. I would let my husband hold the baby so I had two arms free for my toddler.
6.I always had my newborn in the snuggly so that I could pay attention and meet the needs of all the family members.
7. I would set aside a certain time each day to do a special project or outing with the toddler.
8. I would read to the toddler at night while my husband held the baby.
9. I would encourage the toddler to take an active part in caring for the newborn like going to get the diapers, picking out clothes for the Baby to wear , and I would be sure and praise them for their efforts.
10. I would encourage them like, “our baby does cry a lot, that makes me sad, “Or If they said, “ I wish our baby would go away, “I would say, them you would miss her. She is going to grow up one day and play with you, won’t that be fun?
11. If at all possible I would take the toddler on a Outing without the baby, leaving the baby home with dad..
12. I would market the Big Girl Or Big boy theme, “Wow, you are great Lego builder, that’s because you are a big boy.” Or let’s play dress up and put on make up because you are a big girl. Babies can’t do fun stuff like that.” Or let’s bake together and eat cookies” “Babies can’t do that, they don’t have teeth.”
13. Lastly , I would market the fact of how much the baby love them. Look He smiled at you, he sure loves his big brother.
Mom, with a little bit of extra TLC time, a lot of extra patience and a healthy dose of love mixed with a lot of creativity that God will inspire this normal phase of development will pass. God will see you thru and you probably, like labor will not even remember it.
It’s Ellen. www,momsbestwisdom.com